The Junkie.

the junkie in a sense, has a basic life.
most of their wants diminish and one is held above all the others with grandiose stature.
so much stature in fact, that it will be held above their needs. in this sense, it has become a need.
a junkie will go to great lengths to satisfy this need.
they will cross friends and family, they will lie, cheat, and steal to any length for satisfaction.
when the satisfaction is gained it is only a temporary gain, they will be back to there tricks to regain what they long for.
does a junkie ever win?
for a moment in time, yes. but their fight continues once the loss inevitably sets in. once the celebration of their victory has worn off.
have you ever witnessed a junkies desperation? when they have come to the bitter end of their resource and can find no more light. the panic that ensues is treacherous, there is no control here. only a very painful form of hope,there is no happiness to look toward in this pursuit. there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel, no ultimate high. no real gain.
the approval that this junkie seeks can not be found. nobody can give this junkie what it is looking for.
even if the junkie thinks it has found happiness, it can be swept out from under them in the blink of an eye. the junkie lives behind a false set of eyes, a false set of facial expressions, and a false sense of truth.
when the junkie feels threatened by someone trying to change its junkie ways, the junkie will go to great lengths trying to protect what the junkie thinks is the right thing to do.
oh,
there are many small victory's in the life of a junkie, but an ultimately sinful demise.

a sin is not something the junkie 'shouldn't do' a sin is something the junkie 'wouldn't do' if the junkie realized what it was doing. if the junkie realized that it was missing the point.
to be sinful is not to be wrong as much as it is to do a great injustice to what is possible.
the junkie is caught in a vicious game that it can not win, will not ever win.
the junkie has created a game that can only be played, not won.
in due time the game begins to play the junkie.
a puzzling riddle that can not be solved, but will always shed a small amount of light on a fact. that maybe, it can be solved.
sit now and recap on what you have just read.
sit in the drivers seat of the junkie-mobile.
now, concentrate and ask yourself this question...
what you just read, is it about a drug addict?
the answer is no.

Depression

Depression is a bitch.
Depression can be very elusive to the unknowing mind.
It can hit you for any number of reasons but I believe there to be only few ways of dealing with it.

When you first realize that it's been biting you in the ass for whatever length of time you were unaware, depression can be shocking. Especially when it has engulfed you without your knowledge, or an ego is blocking the path to recovering.

I believe depression is: formulated, structuralized, reinforced, and imprinted on your mind. The process of this is happening IN your mind, while the effects are ON your mind. Whatever effects are taking place in the mind are than projected outwards into the world. The events in the mind are caused by a course of unfortunate events (perceptions rather)reinforced by negative thought; becoming real. The easiest way to get caught in it is not knowing it exists.

Pessimism can run rampant as you fall deeper into depression. It becomes a day and night task to keep up with thoughts that may spiral out of control.
If drugs and alcohol are involved, a hangover can be torture for depressive pessimistic thoughts. Looping trains of thought that put boundaries on your mental space, keep you trapped in a cell of death and force-feed you all the feelings to go with it.

Maybe someone will tell you that you have depression.
Or, Maybe you will know.
If you go to the doctor... guess what? The drugs; they aren't going to help you get over it, at all.
Hopefully, you become aware as to avoid the further entrenching that occurs from this depressive behavior.

IF, you have been on the path for some time and can't relieve yourself of the pain. You have to educate yourself.
You have to free your mind, and educate yourself.
Forget what you know, how you live. You have to change your life and rewire your mind.

Let go of what you know, what has happened, what you think.
It isn't you, it's in your mind.
Let the mind go, open the space inside.
Be you, and change how your mind works.

Party Boy

It had been a good year at the college. I was glad about how my classes were going, and work was accommodating my schedule to allow a decent amount of study time. Did I study, no. Still, I demanded that time so it felt good to have it.
It was Friday and I was up to my usual antics to the exponent Friday. Me and the boys had it planned we were goin' to the bar that night and I was rip roarin' ready to go.
Before we headed over; me and my buddy stopped where a couple friends were gathered to get 'a few in us' before the bar. We had a great time, right off the bat. There was nothing gonna stop this from being a wild night.
After about 6 or 7 quickies, we hop in my truck and take off for a couple packs of smokes and a date with disaster.
We get to the club around eleven o'clock at night and it is packed. As we walk in, I can see all the guys in the far corner around a table, so we go over and have a few drinks. The place was packed, and I was out of control. By the time I begin to clue in that I haven't been seeing anyone around, I'm almost too drunk to talk.
I had been dancing the entire night with girls that were come to think of it mildly impressed with my moves. I had a habit of getting 'in the zone' and putting my hat quite a bit lower over my face...I thought it looked cooler than my face and, I didn't want to see the reactions a drunk fool gets.
But I was still confident enough in the little bit of acknowledgment that anyone was giving me too continue acting this way. Like this behavior SHOULD be rewarded with a wonderful young lady... tsk tsk.
Now, the guys... They obviously had been seeing me act how I was acting; and for my buddy's they saw me having a good time. But, the one who had always had a chip on his shoulder about me; HE felt jealous.
He was jealous I was receiving attention from people due to my stupidity. He was just as dirty a sinner as I was.
Last Call.
We head out into the parking lot and my buddy I came with comes up too me and WARNS me about the jealous party. It had already reached the surface and he wasn't happy.
Even though the ego I had created remained intact the alcohol was enough to demolish any fear. I immediately confronted him. The first explosion he gave me was enough for me to demand a fight; to my surprise, he didn't respond.
This (the fact he didn't fight) was a huge blow to his ego, why wouldn't he have fought a shrimp like me?



The crowd separates our argument/tussle and the air is clear for a moment. I turn to the friend I had came with proposing we leave. Then, I'm coming to in a different parking lot about 100 feet away. He had hit me hard that I fell and cracked my head on the pavement.
There was 'kill' on the mind.
We rushed back to the club to see if he was there. Got in my truck and raced out of the parking lot. Two blocks away I was pulled over and arrested. Charged with impaired and made a fool of.
At one moment I was invincible, I could have beat that wannabe to a pulp.
Then; half an hour later; I was helpless.
P.s: When the cops took my truck and impounded it there was 3.5 grams of mushrooms in the glove box.

Oxycontin/Percocet

The dream buzz.
From my understanding Oxycontin is the active drug in Percocet.
Put otherwise a small percentage of 'Oxy' is in a 'Perc';plus, some other sort of medical fillers (none of which even come close to Oxycontin on a scale of potency).

I encountered this drug on a long term span (about one year) at the age of 18 and it gave a very lasting impression. The drug at first tends to be the answer to many of life's smaller dilemma's (eg. focus, laziness,unsociable behavior etc.) making for a positive on the whole, and seemingly giving the ability to take care of larger ordeals on your day to day with greater ease.
This state of enhancement you experience seems to last as long as you want it too based on your supply.
But, it is funny with this one how QUICK it will turn from help to hindrance.
Initially I was involved with the drug nearly as much as the secondary party whom I associated it with. I hit the buzz nearly every day for a few months and had fun plus I worked hard.
Towards the end I would start to feel noxious about 15 minutes after snorting a line (Percocet wasn't typical by then). I felt uneasy about it.
My peer could see the uncertainty I was feeling and since he was the connect, he started to shy away from letting me in on it. This was altogether enough for me to discontinue my use of the drug. The great thing about my experience was that for a time this man was somewhat of a mentor to me. He would always 'have my back' with these sorts of things. He would get and pay for everything and i was just his sidekick. Lucky me.
Once I was out of the circle I wasn't getting back in because I was broke; and I just didn't want it that bad. Once again, Lucky me.
I started to see major signs when there was down time. Frantic uncontrolled behavior, A completely altered personality to a far end of the negative spectrum. The deterioration I witnessed after that point was one of leaps and bounds. It was something I can't describe and I don't know if I'm over my guilt for not seriously intervening with what happened. I tried to talk to him about it when I was noticing major changes, but it was just too difficult due to our business relationship and ego's involved.I am entirely grateful for the responsibility he showed in discontinuing me from 'the circle'. But, also keeping me updated with the truth about what he was going through up until we parted ways. It wasn't long before the real crash happened and, I can only imagine the pain it caused in his life after wards.
I now totally understand the power of these drugs and what it can breed, they will tear you down given proper opportunity.
You will become a TRUE junkie with these.
Good Luck.

Marijuana

This Mary Jane has been around for quite some time now and i have shared an intimate relationship with her, both during the day, the night. The morning/afternoon: fall, winter summer and spring. Weekends and weekdays alike for several years. Now at this point I can compare her to a loving wife. Like any other long term relationship of notable intimacy I have had my ups and downs, and I suppose the relationship has been quite one-sided at times. But I have truly come to respect my companion.
The long term negative effects a relationship can bring I can't say exist, unless you account for the undeniable mental re-construction that has occurred.
At times I have walked hand in hand with her and enjoyed my walk. There was nothing better than walking then... We would walk anywhere as long as we were holding hands. I must mention though... Before then, we had been forced together and it appeared as tho fate had some nasty things in store for us. But, that was all speculation and third-party influence. We were destined.
As we spent time with one another (specifically in private) we began to kindle a relationship that seemed purely beneficial to me. We saw no boundaries and we could crush any mountain with ease, we had an escape,a retreat to enclose our self in nearly whenever we felt necessary. And something that good can become necessary QUITE TOO often.
All of a sudden I felt as tho most of the negative projections I was making in life were caused by her (influence). I felt the insecurities and emotional distress and blamed it on the lengthy period I had spent in my escape. When she left me, the problems were accepted, I began to believe this negative mental structuralism was part of who I was. I started to believe that every reason i was shy, or distant, quiet, nervous, scared, insecure, or insufficient was just a part of ME. It was who I was all of a sudden, and I was comfortable knowing that. I would eventually adapt to my surroundings I thought. But, what if...
What if she could show me that escape for a time which would never end?
What if she was the key to a freedom that would not be revealed otherwise?
At this point, there was not much wrong with what I was doing. I knew my life, there were going to be some: ups and downs, ins and outs, cans and cant's. But what if all that seemed to slip away. What would be left there?
What if we were to once again engage in the lasting realm of freedom, what would be? Would she be able to teach me what I need to know?
Or,
would she only give me the ability to learn the path to the knowledge i seek.
Would she be the path to knowledge?
I'd hope her able to wash my sinful mind clean and allow me to re-write what has been carved in to the core.
So deeply carved that not even I can tell you its depth.
Because, I do not know. And I won't know without her.

The Legal Phenom.

salvia
I had seen it several times before this particular experience, but have got to say that this was the climax and absolute end of my salvia career.
It had been a considerable amount of time before my last (2-3 years)....
And the memory of these first time experience's is vague.
Although not commonly discussed in my circle of friends it is certainly something we have all tried.
It was the early spring and I was working in an Italian restaurant. I found that a co-worker of mine was currently going through some sort of miniature 'fling' with this ,and had acquired a small amount of the substance for personal experimentation. This was brought to my attention through extensive conversation with him, and i began to notice a small feeling of curiosity growing inside of me. Now, in a few days, this 'small feeling' grew into something that could not be ignored and i had to experience the feelings of this one more time. I was excited....

I had just finished a long seven day stretch working in the kitchen and i had the next two days off.
I could describe my mood that evening to be careless. Free to do as i please for two entire wholesome days.... wholesome days?.

Quick tangent:
This 'mood' I can define as a feeling of reward. This feeling of reward, I believe is my number one reason for keeping any part-time job. (A little enlightenment f''yo ass towards my moral and ethical value )

Back to my gripping tale.

I had already convinced my co-worker to supply me with enough Salvia to have the desired effects. I was done my shift and me and him decided to go for a cigarette. In his hand lay a smoke , a white BiC lighter and a shiny silver one hitter packed with dark green leaves of Salvia. We walked over to my truck and i sat in the passenger seat while he stood to my right and held the door open watching me from the outside of my truck
Wasting no time with the nervous debate an unfamiliar drug can bring, I sparked the white BiC lighter and put it to the end of the hitter I had in my mouth. I watched in the passenger side mirror of my truck as the Salvia started to burn and became a glowing red cherry after furiously hauling on the hitter. I hauled until the red had turned to white ash.
I let out the smoke and in seconds started to laugh uncontrollably. The back door of the restaurant opened and another of my co-workers emerged from the building, He already knew what was up, I gave him the thumbs up my laughter breaking up for a moment. Then I looked to my right to notice the distortion my senses were starting to feel.
I stepped out of the truck and went down on all fours for a moment. My vision has now been overpowered by a very bright light and is to the point of complete distortion. I instantly start to experience an enormous restraint on me being able to turn right. I feel as if I'm rolling to the left but cannot correct myself by turning right. Now something very different........ 'Life' itself, becomes an entirely unknown reality, something un-explainable.
I was seeing things I had ever seen before, all of them uncomprehendingly amazing me. All of a sudden I felt I was receiving a message of great importance that if I was able to remember it and I chose to apply it to my life, everything around me would be no more as it now seems. I was learning something that would change my outlook and certainty on everything. The world as we see it was becoming non-existent.
Now I'm experiencing visuals that are unbelievable. For a short time I'm above the scene i just explained, I can see everything from a birds eye view. It is EXACT. The feeling of hovering is exactly what i would imagine, and the placement of objects and people are correct. The only thing wrong is the figures are something I've never seen before.
As I unwillingly descend to the ground I'm trying to recognize everything around me, It is all as I had initially saw it but nothing was at all familiar. I looked at both the people I trusted and had come to know so well (my co-workers) and asked myself who are these ugly creatures, what are these beings?
I had no recollection of anybody or anything. I was stepping into my life for the first time and I had a feeling of great disappointment. I looked down and i have a cigarette in my hand that has been broken and I feel mildly frightened by the vaguely familiar face beside me laughing hysterically. A feeling of disgust mixed with extreme confusion is pounding me now.
Next, I crawl into the drivers side of my truck I'm searching the seat of my truck for something. But what....
Things are coming back to me, I'm at work. I laugh at myself thinking this is all a dream you don't work here. Thank god that all of this around you isn't really your life, your friends, your truck, your job...... but wait this is all mine.
I comment to myself on the broken cigarette in my hand and find that I'm searching for the filter end of it.
My remaining co-worker gives me a brief farewell broken up by annoying laughter and goes back in to tend to his duty's.
Calmly I sit back and think about what has just happened, I seem to be focusing on everything negative in my life and still have that strange sense of questioning reality, an extremely depressing and awkward wave has struck me. I then stare blankly into the mirror.... The image is me, But it disgusts me in the worst way.
I start to drive while beginning to talk myself out of this weird depressive state. Sensing a small amount of physical impairment, I forcefully up my awareness level.
When I arrived home my Dad is sitting in the garage working on his motorcycle, he asks me what's wrong, a short pause.......... and then a lie. I tell him that i feet sick and i need to lie down for a bit. I was unsure what i truly needed.
The mild after effects stayed with me for over an hour decreasing as time went on.

This story in its entirety is to me a phenomenon. Something so powerful that I have absolutely no desire to experience or challenge it ever again. I don't believe my conscious mind has learned any sort of lesson, but my subconscious has gone through some sort of drastic change. Maybe it's the feeling of so desperately wondering what i received from the experience. Or maybe, my subconscious mind has had revealed to it one of our times greatest secrets........
I'm sure its somewhere between those two radical thoughts. Whatever it is I can say that this simple to find, very legal drug, has impacted and changed something inside of me forever.
I have no bias on this drug, I only now know its power.
I would not recommend it, but i will not put down something that can alter the human mind to these depths.

Caution, the structured mind can crash like any other structure can crash.